Here are a few random quotes from living in CA in '08.
Justin:
Two words: Do some work.
I'm gonna be the first pimp to walk on the moon.
Joe:
Who is Darfur, a little African kid or a whale or what?
You know, it smelled like pungent pollen.
I got brain freeze in my shoulder.
A.J.:
Why are you guys always so negative toward each other?
Trey:
Shut up A.J., you’re the one who always wants to fight.
A.J.
Yeah, but I’d rather beat the crap out of you guys than have you hurt my feelings.
A.J.:
Come one Yale. Come on pre-med.
Trey:
That has no correlance.
Graham:
I figure I'm gonna die of some form of cancer.. lung, liver, skin.. colon.. that would suck.
Trent:
You can't just say things and have them go into oblivion.
Trey:
In my story a guy says, “Why don't you quite flapping your gums like a dumb nigger?”
Me:
Does your story have a white supremacist?
Trey:
Yeah, it does! You got that… good, my writing is getting better.
Me:
Duh, it has your character calling someone a dumb nigger.
Trey:
Hey, it could have just been anyone from the south.
Michael:
Girls come to Master's and get treated like aliens.
Ruben:
I don't want to offend the girls with my huge biceps.
(at a poker game) No outside in-source help.
Justin: Ruben, what if you looked around to see if everyone has played before you turn over the next card?
Ruben: What if you had a monkey up your ass?
Me:
What's a “g”?
Ruben:
A gangster status civilian. You can hustle people when they're not looking.
Me:
Ruben, You can’t remember anything.
Jeff:
Yeah, and you’ve only had like 5 beers.
Ruben:
No, I’ve only had 2 beers.
Me:
See, you can’t remember anything.
Ruben:
Okay, so I had 1 at the casino, so 4 beers.
Me:
Ruben, you see what I mean?
Ruben:
Well, to be technical I’ve had 2 and a half.
(at a restaurant)
Logan:
D's been bitching a lot lately. “I'm gonna go sulk in my room, 'cause I have cancer.” He has turned into a sulk monster.
Chris:
He probably un-paused the tv. “You guys left, so now I get to watch what I want to watch.”
Logan:
And then if we call him out on it, he'll just accuse us of being bitches.
(returning)
Chris:
Oh, so it looks like you un-paused the tv.
Dex:
Is that bitchery I hear?
Chris:
You're being a bitch.
Logan:
We knew it.
Chris:
This person had a double mastectomy.
Logan:
You mean they just lop them off?
Chris:
Yeah.
Logan:
How can they not have a cure besides just lopping it off?
Chris:
You should wear a pink bracelet.
Logan:
I'll wear a pink suit if it will stop breast cancer.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Quotes From College
Here are a few random quotes from college. Thought some people might get a kick out of them.
Clay:
So there were all these artists at this British concert that was supposed to raise awareness for some sort of thing…
I don’t know how to talk to girls. Like, what do you say? I don’t know what to talk about cause girls are dumb.
The toughest paper I had was when I wrote a paper about myself. It was about my whole life. It was three pages.
I like to talk with my friends. I find it enjoyable, relaxing, and invigorating. Of course, that last word describes my conversation with my female friends. All one of them.
Clay:
So this band from another church came over to our church to play. One of the girls in the band was really hot, and I wanted to go talk to her, but I didn’t.
Me:
Why not?
Clay:
Because she was so hot.
Me:
Dude, that’s a reason why you should, not why you shouldn’t.
Clay:
Yeah, well I didn’t talk to her, but Patrick did. And it turns out she was dumb, so it would have been perfect. I tried for like an hour to find her on Myspace later on that evening, but I couldn’t find her.
Brett (on philosophy class with Dr. Morley):
We’d go over some article that would be like 10 out of 100 people like video games and he’d go on and on about people liking video games and then he’d use some big word like colostofaulk, and then he’d conclude that philosophy was the study of thoughts.
Brett (after seeing “The Godfather”):
I liked it, but I don’t think it was top 5. I mean, you have Lord of the Rings 1, 2, and 3, and then Pirates 1 and 2.
Jared:
Brett, why do you like pirates so much?
Brett:
Is it wrong to like swashbuckling adventures? Is it wrong to like high seas swashbuckling adventures? Jared, why do you like school so much?
Brett:
My grandmother is 50% Scott and 50% Irish.
Jared:
You’re 100% full of crap.
Brett:
You are 50% poop that I pooped out, and that’s a lot of poop.
Brett: (on John MacArthur's sermon on the Great Commission):
I didn't hear John MacArthur's “go out and multiply” speech.
Brett:
Thou shalln’t hath revenge, Jared.
Jared:
I've always been very self-aware. I'd be in kindergarten doing something, and think, “I'm acting like a kindergartener right now."
Matt Telle:
I had a double-double: 10 rebounds and 10 trips up the floor.
Justin Lehtonen (describing a wedding night):
If you have the perseverance of the saints, you won't need the sword of the spirit.
Daniel Andrews:
I didn't know hairy guys until I went to college. At college you meet the hairiest guys. Two or three of your best friends will be like the hairiest guys.
Oriental names come from the sound a spoon makes when it falls down a flight of stairs.
Stephen:
If you show up late to work with an energy drink, does that automatically mean you hate your job?
Dan Weaver:
This guy who’s really smart asks the prof all these difficult questions and the prof is like, “Well, that’s a good question, we can’t really say for sure on that one.” And I just feel stupid and the best I can come up with is, “Yeah, do we get 3 quiz drops or 4?”
Brusuelas:
If you’re offended by anything I say, you’re an idiot.
When I was young I saw something that nearly broke my mind: it was a sign that said: “non-inflammable.”
Her lips said, “You’re an idiot,” but her eyes said, “Read my lips.”
A girl told me she wanted someone just like me. I didn’t understand. “I’m as close to me as you’re going to get!!” I realized that she was able to go off and have the “bad” boyfriend, and then when he treated her like trash, she could come let all her troubles out on me. It was a perfect system.
(attempting a Mitch Hedberg-like joke)
If water is on the ground, it is not ok to drink. But if it is in a river that is always on the ground, it is ok to drink. Water on the ground is only ok to drink if it is moving fast.
(another attempt)
We offer brunch. It is a snack that occurs between breakfast and lunch. I thought of trying to make a snack between lunch and dinner, but it didn’t work. It would be called dunch or linner. That does not sound appetizing.
Lewis:
Ok, new law for when I start my own country: no black men dressing up as fat women.
Seth (on the Shakira song, “Hips Don't Lie”):
When you’re dancing with a girl in the club, you can tell what she thinks about you, based on the movement of her hips. A girl can lie with her mouth, and maybe a little with her eyes, but she cannot lie with her hips.
Tim:
How’s crap?
Rob:
It’s pretty good.
Tim:
Yeah?
Rob:
Yeah.
Tim:
Tight, dude.
Rob:
I know.
Clay:
So there were all these artists at this British concert that was supposed to raise awareness for some sort of thing…
I don’t know how to talk to girls. Like, what do you say? I don’t know what to talk about cause girls are dumb.
The toughest paper I had was when I wrote a paper about myself. It was about my whole life. It was three pages.
I like to talk with my friends. I find it enjoyable, relaxing, and invigorating. Of course, that last word describes my conversation with my female friends. All one of them.
Clay:
So this band from another church came over to our church to play. One of the girls in the band was really hot, and I wanted to go talk to her, but I didn’t.
Me:
Why not?
Clay:
Because she was so hot.
Me:
Dude, that’s a reason why you should, not why you shouldn’t.
Clay:
Yeah, well I didn’t talk to her, but Patrick did. And it turns out she was dumb, so it would have been perfect. I tried for like an hour to find her on Myspace later on that evening, but I couldn’t find her.
Brett (on philosophy class with Dr. Morley):
We’d go over some article that would be like 10 out of 100 people like video games and he’d go on and on about people liking video games and then he’d use some big word like colostofaulk, and then he’d conclude that philosophy was the study of thoughts.
Brett (after seeing “The Godfather”):
I liked it, but I don’t think it was top 5. I mean, you have Lord of the Rings 1, 2, and 3, and then Pirates 1 and 2.
Jared:
Brett, why do you like pirates so much?
Brett:
Is it wrong to like swashbuckling adventures? Is it wrong to like high seas swashbuckling adventures? Jared, why do you like school so much?
Brett:
My grandmother is 50% Scott and 50% Irish.
Jared:
You’re 100% full of crap.
Brett:
You are 50% poop that I pooped out, and that’s a lot of poop.
Brett: (on John MacArthur's sermon on the Great Commission):
I didn't hear John MacArthur's “go out and multiply” speech.
Brett:
Thou shalln’t hath revenge, Jared.
Jared:
I've always been very self-aware. I'd be in kindergarten doing something, and think, “I'm acting like a kindergartener right now."
Matt Telle:
I had a double-double: 10 rebounds and 10 trips up the floor.
Justin Lehtonen (describing a wedding night):
If you have the perseverance of the saints, you won't need the sword of the spirit.
Daniel Andrews:
I didn't know hairy guys until I went to college. At college you meet the hairiest guys. Two or three of your best friends will be like the hairiest guys.
Oriental names come from the sound a spoon makes when it falls down a flight of stairs.
Stephen:
If you show up late to work with an energy drink, does that automatically mean you hate your job?
Dan Weaver:
This guy who’s really smart asks the prof all these difficult questions and the prof is like, “Well, that’s a good question, we can’t really say for sure on that one.” And I just feel stupid and the best I can come up with is, “Yeah, do we get 3 quiz drops or 4?”
Brusuelas:
If you’re offended by anything I say, you’re an idiot.
When I was young I saw something that nearly broke my mind: it was a sign that said: “non-inflammable.”
Her lips said, “You’re an idiot,” but her eyes said, “Read my lips.”
A girl told me she wanted someone just like me. I didn’t understand. “I’m as close to me as you’re going to get!!” I realized that she was able to go off and have the “bad” boyfriend, and then when he treated her like trash, she could come let all her troubles out on me. It was a perfect system.
(attempting a Mitch Hedberg-like joke)
If water is on the ground, it is not ok to drink. But if it is in a river that is always on the ground, it is ok to drink. Water on the ground is only ok to drink if it is moving fast.
(another attempt)
We offer brunch. It is a snack that occurs between breakfast and lunch. I thought of trying to make a snack between lunch and dinner, but it didn’t work. It would be called dunch or linner. That does not sound appetizing.
Lewis:
Ok, new law for when I start my own country: no black men dressing up as fat women.
Seth (on the Shakira song, “Hips Don't Lie”):
When you’re dancing with a girl in the club, you can tell what she thinks about you, based on the movement of her hips. A girl can lie with her mouth, and maybe a little with her eyes, but she cannot lie with her hips.
Tim:
How’s crap?
Rob:
It’s pretty good.
Tim:
Yeah?
Rob:
Yeah.
Tim:
Tight, dude.
Rob:
I know.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Spring '08 Apartment Top 10
So a while back I wrote a top 10 from the apartment we had during Spring ’08. For whatever reason it never ended up getting posted. But I thought it might still be entertaining…
10. That and a Quarter Will Get You...
We convinced Trey and AJ that the ice maker, washing machine, and dryer ran on quarters. Worth it to see Trey calling out with his head stuck in the freezer that he couldn't find the slots.
9. The Rules of Dip
At least once a day the person dipping must note that there are actually some girls who like it that guys dip.
At least once a day the person dipping must note that he doesn't plan to keep dipping long-term or anything.
Dips must not be lent to another person without a heated one-minute debate over who owes who dip, who took who's dip last, whether they took a fair amount of dip, etc.
The accompanying bottle of dip spit must be left in the living room for the rest of the day.
Great moments in unintentional comedy: Justin trying a dip for the first time during a poker game... he looked like he had one foot in the grave.
8. Mrs. Joe
Buying decorative flowers and paintings from the thrift store? Outrage over dirty dishes? More money spent on cleaning supplies than on his dip and cigars? I suppose it didn't help that he couldn't get AJ to contribute. Trey later confessed that because of the mess in the apartment he was sometimes afraid of what would happen when Joe came home. And then there was the time where Joe threw away a perfectly good pan because he was tired of me leaving it out. I can only imagine the conniption if Joe saw the mold growing in the sink at Riboli and Co's (http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/photo.php?pid=30433995&id=159900841). Joe, we love you.
7. The Hand of Irony
If only the people who moved in right after us knew what had been said in the place they were to live.
6. How I Ended Up Dating a Home Ec Major
Eating healthy is expensive and time-consuming. You can make 3-4 meals of chicken spaghetti for $30 or get four dollar menu items per meal for 3-4 meals equals $12-16. Plus it takes hours to make chicken spaghetti, but only 5 minutes to go through the drive thru. I tried the chicken spaghetti once. To begin with, it’s a bad sign if you’re having problems even with the help of someone named Armen Gorchian. The chicken took hours to thaw, and somehow another hour went by getting it all started. By then it was almost midnight. I melted some butter in a pan on the stove, doing this before I realized it would take several minutes to cut up the vegetables that were supposed to simmer in the melted butter. The butter melted away and burned while I was cutting up the vegetables, smoking all over the apartment and setting off the smoke alarm. Everyone lost their minds and ran around like madmen. Despite all of this, I did end up with a perfect product, believe it or not. At two in the morning. I used the kitchen once in the next four months.
5. Joe Drills Into His Finger
Joe bit off a little more than he could chew in the gym and smashed his finger, causing blood to build up underneath his fingernail. His solution was to heat a tack over the stove and then drill into his fingernail to release the blood. Here's a video of the mostly unsuccessful attempt:
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/video/video.php?v=504810425300
4. AJ Encounters Paranormal Activity
I unfortunately missed it, but Trent and some others got AJ with Peter's Answers, the site where you as the user can make it look like someone out in cyberspace is reading your friend's mind. AJ reached the point where he thought that demons were coming after him and were going to make an attempt on his life. He was afraid to leave the apartment or even go to sleep even after it was revealed that it was all a joke.
3. I Battle Luke Walton
When sports betting was the craze, I put in a bet for Luke Walton to score under 7.5 points in one of the games. After all, I always referred to him as the best bad player in the NBA. It was a sure deal... until he scored 5 points in the final minute of a blowout – including a 3 with less than 10 seconds left – to give him 8 points for the game. But that wasn’t the end of it. Since AJ worked at a restaurant in LA frequented by Lakers players, I told AJ that if he saw Luke Walton there to tell him I didn't appreciate him letting me down like that. Sure enough, Luke Walton showed up there several nights later. AJ gave Luke my message as Luke shook his head and his girlfriend laughed. So he lost me a few bucks, but I embarrassed him publicly in front his lady. Hope you’re happy with yourself, Luke Walton.
2. Verno’s Contribution
Needing furniture for the apartment, we tried Craigslist. I found a guy in Hollywood named Verno who was trying to get rid of pretty much everything he had. Sounded like a good deal. We set up a time and Joe and I arrived, only to discover that no one was there. To begin the ridiculousness, I called Verno to discover that he was at the library, waiting for his brother to pick him up. In the meantime, Joe went and took two lemons growing in Verno's front yard. Verno then showed up and we made it inside to discover that Verno had been literally camping out in his half-renovated house that had been foreclosed on and had the utilities shut off. He was clinging to the hope that a large stack of house plans he had to redesign his house were worth tens of thousands of dollars and might attract some kind of investor. We were treated to a full tour of his property, along with a number of musings on how he could renovate the place. This was all at night, so we stumbled through the dark over random piles of junk and building materials while trying to follow Verno and his lantern. In the end we got some surround sound equipment, a couple leather chairs, and some other odds and ends for dirt cheap. Joe also got a $10 used tack board (a third of the price of each leather chair) that sat on the floor for months and I think got tossed out when we moved. Trent and Joe also tried to negotiate some foreclosure help for Verno, but unfortunately he was already in too deep. Nevertheless, we still got some great deals, and wished the best to Verno. A month later I found Joe's two lemons in my glove compartment.
1. Michael Tries an Unusual Drink
Playing beer pong before NBA playoff games and on weekends became somewhat of a staple. One night, Justin, a bit buzzed and not wanting to go upstairs to the restroom, instead used an empty beer can. For whatever reason, the mess from that night was never fully cleaned up. A week later, beer pong time came around again. As the level of competitiveness increased, there became more of a hurry to pour the cups for the next round. Any nearby beer cans – open or unopen – were employed. A few cups into one of the rounds, I landed a ball against Justin and Michael. It was Michael's turn to drink the cup. He picked up the cup, took a nice swig… and the truth was apparent. The drink was spewed all over the floor as he fled the garage and frantically attempted to wash out his mouth. Everyone had trouble figuring out whether to laugh or feel partially traumatized that it could just as easily have been them.
10. That and a Quarter Will Get You...
We convinced Trey and AJ that the ice maker, washing machine, and dryer ran on quarters. Worth it to see Trey calling out with his head stuck in the freezer that he couldn't find the slots.
9. The Rules of Dip
At least once a day the person dipping must note that there are actually some girls who like it that guys dip.
At least once a day the person dipping must note that he doesn't plan to keep dipping long-term or anything.
Dips must not be lent to another person without a heated one-minute debate over who owes who dip, who took who's dip last, whether they took a fair amount of dip, etc.
The accompanying bottle of dip spit must be left in the living room for the rest of the day.
Great moments in unintentional comedy: Justin trying a dip for the first time during a poker game... he looked like he had one foot in the grave.
8. Mrs. Joe
Buying decorative flowers and paintings from the thrift store? Outrage over dirty dishes? More money spent on cleaning supplies than on his dip and cigars? I suppose it didn't help that he couldn't get AJ to contribute. Trey later confessed that because of the mess in the apartment he was sometimes afraid of what would happen when Joe came home. And then there was the time where Joe threw away a perfectly good pan because he was tired of me leaving it out. I can only imagine the conniption if Joe saw the mold growing in the sink at Riboli and Co's (http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/photo.php?pid=30433995&id=159900841). Joe, we love you.
7. The Hand of Irony
If only the people who moved in right after us knew what had been said in the place they were to live.
6. How I Ended Up Dating a Home Ec Major
Eating healthy is expensive and time-consuming. You can make 3-4 meals of chicken spaghetti for $30 or get four dollar menu items per meal for 3-4 meals equals $12-16. Plus it takes hours to make chicken spaghetti, but only 5 minutes to go through the drive thru. I tried the chicken spaghetti once. To begin with, it’s a bad sign if you’re having problems even with the help of someone named Armen Gorchian. The chicken took hours to thaw, and somehow another hour went by getting it all started. By then it was almost midnight. I melted some butter in a pan on the stove, doing this before I realized it would take several minutes to cut up the vegetables that were supposed to simmer in the melted butter. The butter melted away and burned while I was cutting up the vegetables, smoking all over the apartment and setting off the smoke alarm. Everyone lost their minds and ran around like madmen. Despite all of this, I did end up with a perfect product, believe it or not. At two in the morning. I used the kitchen once in the next four months.
5. Joe Drills Into His Finger
Joe bit off a little more than he could chew in the gym and smashed his finger, causing blood to build up underneath his fingernail. His solution was to heat a tack over the stove and then drill into his fingernail to release the blood. Here's a video of the mostly unsuccessful attempt:
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/video/video.php?v=504810425300
4. AJ Encounters Paranormal Activity
I unfortunately missed it, but Trent and some others got AJ with Peter's Answers, the site where you as the user can make it look like someone out in cyberspace is reading your friend's mind. AJ reached the point where he thought that demons were coming after him and were going to make an attempt on his life. He was afraid to leave the apartment or even go to sleep even after it was revealed that it was all a joke.
3. I Battle Luke Walton
When sports betting was the craze, I put in a bet for Luke Walton to score under 7.5 points in one of the games. After all, I always referred to him as the best bad player in the NBA. It was a sure deal... until he scored 5 points in the final minute of a blowout – including a 3 with less than 10 seconds left – to give him 8 points for the game. But that wasn’t the end of it. Since AJ worked at a restaurant in LA frequented by Lakers players, I told AJ that if he saw Luke Walton there to tell him I didn't appreciate him letting me down like that. Sure enough, Luke Walton showed up there several nights later. AJ gave Luke my message as Luke shook his head and his girlfriend laughed. So he lost me a few bucks, but I embarrassed him publicly in front his lady. Hope you’re happy with yourself, Luke Walton.
2. Verno’s Contribution
Needing furniture for the apartment, we tried Craigslist. I found a guy in Hollywood named Verno who was trying to get rid of pretty much everything he had. Sounded like a good deal. We set up a time and Joe and I arrived, only to discover that no one was there. To begin the ridiculousness, I called Verno to discover that he was at the library, waiting for his brother to pick him up. In the meantime, Joe went and took two lemons growing in Verno's front yard. Verno then showed up and we made it inside to discover that Verno had been literally camping out in his half-renovated house that had been foreclosed on and had the utilities shut off. He was clinging to the hope that a large stack of house plans he had to redesign his house were worth tens of thousands of dollars and might attract some kind of investor. We were treated to a full tour of his property, along with a number of musings on how he could renovate the place. This was all at night, so we stumbled through the dark over random piles of junk and building materials while trying to follow Verno and his lantern. In the end we got some surround sound equipment, a couple leather chairs, and some other odds and ends for dirt cheap. Joe also got a $10 used tack board (a third of the price of each leather chair) that sat on the floor for months and I think got tossed out when we moved. Trent and Joe also tried to negotiate some foreclosure help for Verno, but unfortunately he was already in too deep. Nevertheless, we still got some great deals, and wished the best to Verno. A month later I found Joe's two lemons in my glove compartment.
1. Michael Tries an Unusual Drink
Playing beer pong before NBA playoff games and on weekends became somewhat of a staple. One night, Justin, a bit buzzed and not wanting to go upstairs to the restroom, instead used an empty beer can. For whatever reason, the mess from that night was never fully cleaned up. A week later, beer pong time came around again. As the level of competitiveness increased, there became more of a hurry to pour the cups for the next round. Any nearby beer cans – open or unopen – were employed. A few cups into one of the rounds, I landed a ball against Justin and Michael. It was Michael's turn to drink the cup. He picked up the cup, took a nice swig… and the truth was apparent. The drink was spewed all over the floor as he fled the garage and frantically attempted to wash out his mouth. Everyone had trouble figuring out whether to laugh or feel partially traumatized that it could just as easily have been them.
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